„He doesn’t even want the child; he just wants to spite me!” Does this sound familiar? During many divorces—especially those involving long, conflict-ridden separations—this statement, or something very similar, is often voiced. But is this really the case? Is it true that the child is not what matters, but rather the battle the parents are waging against each other?
A mediator can be of great assistance in uncovering this and revealing the true underlying causes. With their help, parties can avoid years of litigation as they seek to reach an agreement regarding child custody, visitation, and other matters concerning the child. Without mediation, however, years can pass—during which the very sentiment voiced by both sides, „But I adore my child!”, takes on an entirely different meaning. After all, what does it truly mean to „adore” one’s child if one is simultaneously willing to subject them to a distressing ordeal—forcing them to witness their parents tearing each other apart—supposedly for the child’s own sake?
In such situations, a child can easily find themselves in a position where they are forced to choose between the people they love most. They are subjected to constant pressure, persuasion, and influence from various directions—even though it is the parents who should be providing the safe, stable foundation the child needs most during this period. Unfortunately, the tactics employed by parents as they try to win the child over to their side seem inexhaustible. And all the while, the child—the very person for whom this battle is being waged—gradually becomes disheartened.
The mediator helps prevent this by supporting communication, which in turn facilitates an agreement. The mediation process ensures that the parties do not make decisions based on grievances or a desire for revenge, and that they do not use their child as a pipeline to send messages to one another or to inflict pain. The goal of mediation is not to determine who „wins” the conflict; rather, the focus is on how to resolve the dispute while minimizing any potential harm to the child.
Mediation does not mean that we must agree with the other person on everything. It means giving ourselves the opportunity to focus on finding solutions rather than dwelling on problems—because, ultimately, the most important question is not who gets the child, but rather how the child can maintain a loving and secure relationship with both parents.